Sadam Hussein's tips for romance...

9. Splash on a little goat's blood.

8. Play romantic music to drown out the cries of tortured dissidents.

7. Shampoo and condition your moustache.

6. Have a violinist brought over to your table and then shot.

5. Show sensitive side by releasing her family from prison.

4. Say it with toxic nerve agents.

3. Sit on porch swing and watch twinkling United State reconnaissance satellites.

2. Name a camel after her.

1. Ask if she wants to "inspect your biological weapon".