The rules for women...

The Female always makes The Rules.

The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

The Female is *never* wrong.

(If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

(If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The Male must remain calm at all times - unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

If the Female has PMS *all* The Rules are null and void!

The rules for men...

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides - let it be.

'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem - go see a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact - all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat - you probably are. Don't ask us.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched - we do that.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry - we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it - just do it yourself.

If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing'. We will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying - but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to - expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have too many shoes.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, BEER or FOOTBALL.

You have enough clothes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

The naming of Jesus...

The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born.

One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, "Jesus Christ!".

Joseph looked at Mary and said: "Write that down - it's better than Scott!"

Christmas car accident...

Three men died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven.

The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven.

The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.

Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent Christmas?"

The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's."

Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense...

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, wife isn't always fair and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents - Truth and Trust, his wife - Discretion, his daughter - Responsibility and his son - Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing! ;(